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For many people, the holidays aren’t necessarily the most joyous time — often because we are anticipating conflict or inappropriate interrogation, said Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, a psychologist based in Connecticut.

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Boundaries are hard, though, and it takes some preparation to know how to respond instead of reacting to protect your feelings, Orange added. Here’s how to get started this holiday season.

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Before the get-together, think about what your needs are and what a friend or relative might say that would trigger you, she added.

“Decide in advance, these are comments that are triggering for me, and these are some things that I would say back to it,” Rollin said.

It can also be helpful to identify your goals for the evening, Capanna-Hodge said. You might not be able to help everyone get along, but you can succeed in spending time with your aunt whom you don’t see often or playing with your nephew, she added.

“You’re not going to solve 30 years of family problems on the Thanksgiving table or the Christmas table,” Capanna-Hodge said.

But you can still curb conflict by coming up with a list of safe topics ahead of time to redirect to when the conversation turns to a subject that could be fraught, Capanna-Hodge said. And a preholiday conversation about what you will or won’t talk about can be helpful, too.

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You can download a bingo board here and fill in the blanks with the comments you are anticipating. Or you can screenshot and mark it up on your phone.

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“It’s important to reframe it for yourself and to recognize that the comments people make about food and weight says a lot more about the person commenting than it does about you,” she said. “Often people who themselves are focused on their own bodies and eating patterns are the ones more likely to comment on others.”

You can be direct by saying something like “I get that you’re excited about your diet, but I am working on healing my relationship with food so I’d rather we not talk about it,” Rollin said.

Or you can be more playful when it comes to questions about weight loss with “I’m just thankful that my body does so much for me every day” or “I don’t know. I don’t focus on my weight.”

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If you are talking to someone one-on-one (don’t try this in front of a group), you can attempt to curb future talk on the topic by addressing it directly, she said.

Orange suggests setting a boundary with a phrase like, “I know that your intention was (X) but unfortunately the impact of (Y) made me feel really uncomfortable so in the future can you please not do that.”

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But sometimes, even if the intention is good, the impact hits on a painful point — like if someone asks a person with infertility issues about growing their family.

If you are trying to conceive, start by talking with your partner about how open you want to be and with whom, said Rachel Gurevich, a nurse and fertility writer.

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Or, if you trust those who are asking, you can open up and ask for the support you need, Gurevich said.

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If you need to address a zealous stance, you can take it head-on with something like “We’re not on the same side of this and I’m sure neither of us is going to change our minds tonight, so why don’t we talk about something else?” Or keep it short: “I see that differently.”

It doesn’t have to be a blowup — you might even decide before to make up an excuse that allows you to leave once it stops being fun, she added.

“Holidays are about connection, and if that connection feels awful, it doesn’t have to happen,” Capanna-Hodge said.

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