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It wasn’t just me. At least in my experience, people my age just didn’t throw dinner parties. When I shared this observation with friends and experts, they mostly agreed: Hosting seems like a lot of work and pressure.
Blame thethemed gatheringswith printed menus, elaborate tablescapes and decorative ice cubes that I see all over Instagram and TikTok. Or the rise of foodie culture, accelerated by Bon Appétit’sonce-beloved YouTube channelthat encouraged my generation to strive for epicurean flare at home.
You could even trace it back toMartha Stewart, whose homemaking empire in the ‘80s and ‘90s ushered in an ethos of unapologetic extravagance and effort.
For a long time, I did. It was more convenient to meet up at a restaurant or bar, where everyone could order exactly what they wanted and no one person shouldered the burden of cooking, cleaning and entertaining. We’d convene at an agreed-upon establishment for an hour or so, split the bill and go our separate ways. Easy. Fair. Stress-free.
But coming off years of relative social isolation brought on by the pandemic, these kinds of interactions started to feel impersonal and, ultimately, unfulfilling. The more fleeting that meaningful connection felt, the more I craved it.
Earlier this year, I faced my hosting anxiety in an attempt to fill that void. My husband and I hosted eight or so guests at our apartment one evening for a meal that we (mostly) cooked ourselves.
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Humans have been breaking bread together for centuries, but dinner parties — those elegant gatherings with multiple courses, fine china and implied formalities — grew more widespread in the mid-20th century with the expansion of the American middle class, says Alice Julier, a sociologist and food studies professor at Chatham University.
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“It’s about this participation in material culture in America, as much as it is about participation in culinary and hospitality (culture),” she says.
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Over the next several decades, women entered the workforce at a rapid pace, leading to the decline of the formal dinner party, Julier says. At the same time, restaurants, takeout and delivery became more accessible, creating acultural revolution of eating out.
Young people are seemingly too busy, too burnt out or too broke to bother. Their homes no longer haveformal dining rooms, and they move around too often to hang onto the family china. Many of them live alone.
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Jagannathan, an assistant professor of philosophy at Columbia University who reflected on these informal gatherings in anessayearlier this year, identifies three key ingredients needed for this particular social event: hospitality, conviviality and attention. It’s this last ingredient, he writes, that is deficient in contemporary society.
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Jagannathan told me anecdotally that some well-meaning hosts have given up after one too many occasions of people flaking at the last minute. A dinner party, whether you’re attending or throwing it, requires you to be “on” and fully engaged for a sustained length of time. In our modern era, that willingness to commit and be present feels ever elusive.
“Reflecting on the pandemic, there are habits and skills of social life, and we all got a bit rusty when we were more distant from each other,” he adds.
One in five US adults reported feeling lonely “a lot of the day yesterday,” according to aGallup surveyreleased in October. US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy identified loneliness as a public health epidemiclast year and has made the issue one of his top priorities while in office.
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Kim Roberts, a 36-year-old who runs a blog called Feed My Friends, fell into a similar trap when she first started hosting. She’d spend money she didn’t have on fancy ingredients and go overboard cleaning her home, only to find that she wasn’t really enjoying herself. When she finally took the pressure off and redirected her energy toward bringing people together, it made for a better experience.
“At the end of the day, people don’t really care about how clean (your home is) or how fancy the food is that you serve at a dinner party,” Roberts says. “People remember experiences, not material things.”
Having kids has also relaxed her expectations — with little ones roaming around, she’s accepted that she’ll inevitably get interrupted mid-sentence and never finish what she was talking about. But she still makes the time to cook and bring people together in more manageable ways because of the connections it cultivates.
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But she and my father took on that effort because food and hospitality was how they showed care. The practice of eating together is even baked into our faith — Sikh religious services typically end in langar, a communal meal prepared by volunteers and open to all.
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“In the same way that dancing with someone tells you about them, eating the food that they prepared also tells me something about them that’s special and maybe can’t be communicated otherwise,” Jagannathan says.
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Yes, definitely, she responded. Hosting a dinner party proved really fulfilling, and gathering her friends in one place reminded her that she had a community.
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