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“It was like this inner turmoil and conversation I was having with myself of like, do I say something? Or should I just be happy with what I received?” Eckel recalled.
Eckel knew she wouldn’t wear the necklace since she has specific preferences about her jewelry. But now her husband had given her something she didn’t love, and she felt guilty for being disappointed.
For many people, this disappointment — followed by guilt — is natural after receiving a gift that just doesn’t feel like you. It could be that annual sweater from your parents that isn’t in your size, a T-shirt with a band logo on it that you loved as a teen (but not anymore), or a piece of silver jewelry when you only ever wear gold.
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“I told him, ‘I don’t want to seem spoiled or ungrateful. But I do also want to understand your thought process behind this,’ and we talked through it, and I felt better,” Eckel said. “And he felt better that I told him. He was like, ‘I don’t want you getting upset about this, and me having no idea as to why.’”
Having that conversation can be helpful in alleviating those feelings of disappointment and guilt, said Mielad Owraghi, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Loma Linda UniversityBehavioral Medicine Center in Redlands, California.
“It’s important to just find appreciation and gratefulness in the gift itself,” Owraghi said. “But if you feel like you’re not getting the gifts that you’re desiring, then maybe you need to communicate with that person a little bit more, so they understand what to get you.”
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“Gifts tell us how we think people see us, how we think people perceive our relationship,” she said. “And with romantic partners a lot of times, especially in the early stages, we want the gift to be symbolic of how much someone cares about us.”
It’s important to have honest conversations with those with whom you have a long-term relationship to establish what types of gifts you do and don’t like, especially so the pattern doesn’t repeat itself the next holiday season, Degges-White said. But if the person is not a romantic partner or close friend or family member, keeping quiet and remembering the gift giver’s good intentions may be the best way to go, she said.
“If someone’s lovingly chosen something for you that you find just so horrendous, we do feel bad, because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, especially people we care about,” she said. Sometimes, putting on that sweater you would never wear to humor that person, “you’re giving them a gift, by finding pleasure in the gift they gave you.”
In 2020, NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” aired a skit on so many moms getting robes for Christmas. On Christmas a few days later, moms everywhere posted photos in their new robes in response to that sketch.
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“And when people have failed to do that and give us something totally mismatched, we feel that we haven’t been seen and feel like we’re not valued in the way that we want to be valued.”
Communicating your needs and wants with loved ones is important to keep strong relationships, Owraghi said. In turn, listening and taking notes on any hints your loved ones may provide for possible gifts throughout the year can help you to feel more prepared when the season comes back around, he said.
Eckel, a content creator whogives advice to her followerson relationships, parenting and mental health, posted a video on TikTok last year on her experience with her husband’s gift.In the video, she explained that if the situation was flipped, she would want her husband to tell her if she gave him a gift he didn’t like.
“We’re humans, we have emotions, and certain scenarios are going to evoke very normal emotions,” Eckel said. “I can either choose to talk to my partner about it. Or I can say, ‘You know what, I’m going to feel this disappointment. I’m going to feel the sadness. And then I’m going to move on from it.’”
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