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I had a feeling my sons might know more about him and other male influencers than I did since they know much more about everything swirling around on the internet than I do.

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I realize that this old dad is not the hippest, but I thought I’d always kept an eye on the media my sons consume.

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I saw comments, discussions and hero worship that were shocking. Some communities on Reddit routinely treat women as possessions and not as people. And postings can be just as bad or worse on X, formerly Twitter. Spend a little time on the internet, and it’s easy to find comments from the manosphere that justify rape and manipulation of women.

On the surface, it seems easy to pinpoint what attracts our young men to manfluencers. Of course, they are attracted to power, sex and money, but experts said other reasons are more complicated and nuanced.

It’s easy to look at an influencer with a Lamborghini and a high-rise apartment filled with bikini models and think the trappings of wealth and power are obviously the lure for boys and young men.

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Our boys think these men’s teachings offer them “a chance to be on top,”Way said. That is the true draw to our young men, a place where they are the elite and above others. And at the top, they find what they really want: connection and belonging.

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Boys see these men with the pseudo-signs of success and want to be on the top of that hierarchy, said Way, who is also professor of developmental psychology at New York University. “There is a need to be like the humans who are on top, a need to be heard,” she said.

Fans who follow particular influencers have their feelings validated, according to Way. “He tells them that they don’t deserve to be on the bottom, you should be on the top with me. And then they find a connection away from all those people they think put them at the bottom. Now they are loved.”

Unfortunately, it’s an imaginary sense of worth that exists only in their heads. “This adds to their suffering. It can instead get worse,” Way said. “The people on the internet are often the loneliest.”

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For both moms and dads, “be aware of how you interact with others and how your son sees that interaction,” said Endres, who is also a clinical consultant at Newhouse, a domestic violence shelter in Kansas City, Missouri.

“Model the behavior you want to see,” he said whether it’s respect, empathy or compassion. “Show them in your family interactions how you treat people and what is acceptable to you. Teach them those values through your actions.”

It goes beyond showing respect to the women in our lives — it’s about respecting all people. Since teenagers can be hard to meet head-on, try connecting with sons bypraising them to othersand through communication.

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In these conversations, we need to “label it. Name the behaviors. Have the conversations about how we treat humans. Be consistent about it and continuously create these moments to talk,” Endres said.

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I have hope that creating these moments will act as a counterbalance to what my sons see in the world of influencers online. It helps that for my teens who use social media, I have a village of four other dads who follow those accounts and help me monitor those activities. However, I know that I’m lucky to have those guys to help me parent.

But as my older son reminded me, the internet (and the world) is a big place, and I can’t be everywhere. This is where doingemotional check-insallows me to offer guidance to what they have seen or heard.

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I often share some of what I come across on the internet, usually at the dinner table. Sometimes it’s a funny meme, other times it’s a debate about a difficult topic. And when my children talk, I listen with curiosity — a phrase often used by Way. I ask questions and try to get to the root of their thoughts.

If we take a moment to listen to them, to make sure they are heard, then we can guide them through the value of both hard and soft emotions. We can lead our sons past the false trappings of fancy cars and money, and the cruelty perpetuated by these manfluencers.

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